I have a need to talk and things are so embarrassing for me. I know what people see when they look at me. Some people think I can do anything, they think I’m so strong and smart but do you want to know the truth? I’m not. I’m none of these things? I sneak through life under a persona of strength and hidden greatness and guess what, you’ve all fell for it. The okey doke I like to call it. I’m not so wonderful, I’m not so brave. My deepest darkest fear is mental illness, not having control over my mind scares me so much that I find myself hiding from things that I feel may push me over the edge.
I’m watching someone I love loose control over their mind. It’s the worst feeling in the world it’s like an empty dark hole is sucking me into it and I can’t pull myself out and I can’t save them because I don’t know what to do to stop the darkness from taking us over. I can’t breathe, my eyes her shut tight and I pray to God that he just saves her and let it be me that looses her mind, let the darkness take me just save her. But I’m afraid of the dark and I know it, oppose to her who has found peace in the darkness and will not come out to the light. The dark where she does not have to struggle or care, the dark where there is no family and no blame. She embraces it as it embraces her like no one has done for years and I grope after her wishing that she will come back to the light because I’m alone and scared without her and I’m afraid that she will never come out of the darkness. Then what will I do.
I think only my blog is so painful & truthful. LOL
