another year/another oscar

Out of all the things that makes me sad, nothing gets me totally down in the dumps like award season. Another year has passed, another oscar is coming up and again my name is not on it. Again I watch on TV, again my scripts gather dusk in my computer. It's the sadest thing ever. Oh how I wish that one day it would be me there. That my script would be nominated (I would like to win!) But it is sad and although this usually would push to chocolate.

Well Oscar, maybe one day I will indeed see you and maybe one day I wont. I don't know what the future holds but I do hope & pray that one day I shall be among the great writers and my script will be made into a great film and people shall remember my name if for nothing but a day!

p90x week 4!

yay I made it and that's all I'm really saying. It's been rough! I have fought to remain on the path of healthy eating and constant exercising. I have given in a few times when depression has hit me, when a bad day has crept up on me like a thief in the night. I have even skipped a day when I only get 1x day of rest I take 2x. But I am still going strong. And I am fighting my late night popcorn cravings that seem to beg for me to choose it over exercising~!

Well I'm still struggling but hey I'm pressing on towards the mark of the High Calling which is in Jesus Christ! LOL I love that scripture! Had to put it there!

week 3 Day i don't really know but damn!

Fine it's Day 16! I'm doing good w/ my meals although I am finding popcorn to be a pure pleasure (maybe too much!) I skipped yoga & legs & back this weekend, I also had Ihop when Nigel gets in these let's get breakfast moods I must oblige! So I'm down like 8 pounds and feel that I would like to stop but I know I should push myself. I have to find away to work out in the morning, I'm tired, my head hurts right now but i'm giving you all this small update!

I'm reminded of one of my favorite Christmas movies 'White Christmas': "What happens to a General when he stops being a general?" Well, what happens to a fat girl when she can't be a fat girl? hmmmmmmmmm Something to think about!

Night!

Day 3-6

Since I'm so busy and can't blog everyday w/out doing it at my desk and my bosses starring at me thinking I'm not doing anything when I'm an excellent multi-tasker! Anywhoo let me see if I can sum up all my meals!

Day 3 Shoulders & Arms & Ab Ripper X
brkfst: scrambled eggs & bacon
lunch: Beef vegetable soup & a steak salad.
snack: orange  & almonds.
dinner: chicken breast &  broccoli & roasted red potatoes

Day 4 (used this as a rest day b/c I get home really late on Thursdays)
brkfast: scrambled eggs w/ cheese, side of bacon
lunch: Salmon w/ spinach & mashed potatoes
dinner: been struggling w/ it. McDonald's chicken sandwich w/ no Mayo and I snuck a few of my baby's fries! I was a little depressed!

Day 5 (Yoga I hate it!)
brkfast: scrambled eggs w/ cheese, side of bacon & an apple and a 1/2 piece of toast. LOL! so mad it was good! Not 1x side! a 1/2 of 1x side!
lunch: blah couldn't think! ministrone soup & spinach salad w/ feta & olives (didn't love this)
dinner: catfish (yes fried) it's hard! & salad! 


Day 6 Kenpo
It's the weekend and I suck at eating 3 meals a day from home:
brkfast: eggs & toast
lunch: leftover chicken breast & broccoli
dinner: steak, broccoli & pototaes 
snacking on fruit constantly!


Day 7 Legs & Back Ab Ripper X (I switched them)
brkfast: special K cereal
lunch: popcorn (I know!)
dinner: took out chicken wings and trying to figure out how to prepare them!


So overall this is very hard! But every time I feel my belly rub up against my legs I think hmmm maybe I should not pig out on chocolate chip cookies or slather my food in butter (yum) or eat crazy bread! It's sooo difficult though and I'm so tired when I get home and of course waking up early sucks for me!


Okay so week one down! It was tough and I think the weekends are very hard b/c I always go crazy on weekends. Until next time!

Day 2

Day 2 P90X

Breakfast: scrambled eggs & bacon w/ an apple

Lunch: Rotiserre chicken & Mediterran Salad

Snack: Orange & Cashews

Dinner: Chicken sandwich from Mc Donalds

Late snack b/c I did not eat my kid fries just the sandwich and wiped the mayo off! Strawberries & grapes!

So I woke up late of course! So I didn’t attempt Cardio but I did do it last night all though I was tired and interrupted by my brother calling me several times and refusing to take call me back seriously! But I did it and w/ only skipping 2x moves! The drea roll which is so damn hard and Drea Webber can do it b/c she’s like in an AMAZING shape! (she is in the p90x Videos) and super man banna roll! Both in which you have to be on the floor! Both in which I find myself lying dead panting for life and on top of that I can only do like 2x max for each! LOL I’m so out of shape this year that my entire body is in pain and it hurts when I freakin laugh! I finally went grocery shopping last night! Thank God! B/C my fridge was bare and boston market is so far from my house that I would be force to find something suitable at fast food restaurants like I did yesterday! Which the entire time I ate the chicken sandwich I swear my stomach increased in size!

So what I discovered yesterday is that ‘They’ want the black people fat! They do! I don’t know who the hell ‘They’ is! But ‘They’ want the black people FAT! More on this later!

Day 1 P90X AGAIN!

So here I go trying to loose the weight that seems to have leached on to me in my older years in life! I do not want to say my actual weight I still have some diginity that I would like to maintain, But I do want to start this blog to make myself accountable. If no one reads this at least it’s out there in the universe!

Day 1 Monday 1/3

Whole Bagel w/ butter (on both sides! Working on that)

Turkey on toast but took off the toast after my coach told me I had too much bread! & a chicken noodle soup

Dinner was Rotisserie chicken w/ collard greens & salad

** I had like a ½ cup of chips!

I work in a place that is filled w/ snacks and after my turkey & lettuce I was still hungry! I did like 15 minutes of Cardio in the AM but then came back at night and did Core. I’m going to do Lean again. I’m so out of shape & my stomach is sooo big that I don’t want to pass out and plus lazy hubby did not put up my push up bar yet! I think Lean is more my speed right now. So last night I was offered b-day cake, Hershey kisses all in which I turned down and I even only had a small glass of kool aid! This is very hard for me to share b/c I’ve been a little fat girl all my life! Since going into gym class wearing lime green leggings and my belly poking out. This is my life. I was think once and had no clue of it really until I tried to zip up my favorite jeans I had been wearing and they no longer fit. And now at my highest weight of my life I sit here and wonder how did this happen? I mean I was doing good last yr with P90X then I went to Louisiana and pigged out! Then I tried again this year but I had to rush to Detroit and I pigged out! And then I was depressed and continued to pig out. And now I’m dragging myself out of the food gutter! I’m getting my energy back and I’m going to get me a schedule together so I can write and work out! Busy lady! Maybe on my rest day I’ll write. I don’t know it’s all very hard with a kid and a hubby and a full time job!

The Painful Truth

 

I have a need to talk and things are so embarrassing for me. I know what people see when they look at me. Some people think I can do anything, they think I’m so strong and smart but do you want to know the truth? I’m not. I’m none of these things? I sneak through life under a persona of strength and hidden greatness and guess what, you’ve all fell for it. The okey doke I like to call it. I’m not so wonderful, I’m not so brave. My deepest darkest fear is mental illness, not having control over my mind scares me so much that I find myself hiding from things that I feel may push me over the edge.

I’m watching someone I love loose control over their mind. It’s the worst feeling in the world it’s like an empty dark hole is sucking me into it and I can’t pull myself out and I can’t save them because I don’t know what to do to stop the darkness from taking us over. I can’t breathe, my eyes her shut tight and I pray to God that he just saves her and let it be me that looses her mind, let the darkness take me just save her. But I’m afraid of the dark and I know it, oppose to her who has found peace in the darkness and will not come out to the light. The dark where she does not have to struggle or care, the dark where there is no family and no blame. She embraces it as it embraces her like no one has done for years and I grope after her wishing that she will come back to the light because I’m alone and scared without her and I’m afraid that she will never come out of the darkness. Then what will I do.

I think only my blog is so  painful & truthful. LOL